I have survived turning 30.

As you can see I am well past my 30th birthday and let me say that it was memorable. I spent my birthday in the hospital. Let me start by saying that I was not admitted to the hospital. On the Friday before my 30th birthday I got a call from my mother saying that my Pop-pop was in the CCU unit at the hospital in my home town. I have mentioned the fact that he has cancer. Well this was pneumonia. Well not just pneumonia, but an infection in the sac that surrounds the lungs. Which means that he was in an enormous amount of pain. At this call I drop everything and head home to be with my Mom-mom and family.

By Saturday morning he was on a ventilator. This machine was to help him breath which also means that he was in a drug induced coma. I have seen people on TV that are on these machines but I was not prepared to see a man that I have NEVER seen sick a day in his life with all the tubes and lines hooked to him. To make this long story short, he is now off the machine and talking. He is having issues with his ability to swallow. His spirits are down and he does not remember anything of the last 10 or so days. So if anyone reading this could keep my Pop-pop and family in their prayers that would be great.

Now to the real reason why I felt compelled to write this evening. One question: what do you say when the man that broke your heart wants to cry on your shoulder about the girl that just broke his heart.

I received a call from the guy that I thought that I was supposed to marry the other day to say that he was sorry for all that he had put me through. Short version: we started dating when I was 19 and he was 21. We were together off and on for the next 6 1/2- 7 years. On numerous occasions he would say that he didn't want to be with me then a few weeks later want me back. After several go rounds I finally got tired of the indecision and said enough is enough. 4 years has gone by and just within the last year we have started a new "friendship". I say it that way because I am the only one that calls just to say "hi". He only calls when he needs something. Usually is has to do with some girl that he is seeing.

So to this recent call. This girl, that he has only been seeing for 3 months has gone and done the "I can't be with you." thing, twice in the last 2 weeks. He calls to say that he now knows what I went through all those time he did it to me. He wants to know what he should do. I can empathize with his situation but it is really hard not to feel that he is getting what he deserves.

Then there is a part of me that wants to believe that maybe now that he knows he wants to commit to getting married that maybe he could do that with me. I am not even really sure that is what I want or if it would be a good thing for me. Yes, I have moved on and I have dated other people but what do you do when the man that you still love (I am not in love with him, but part of me still loves him) wants to cry about some other girl that he thought would be "the one"?

I have not spilled my guts about something that I thought that I was over. I am just at a loss as to what to do next.